DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and her husband ran into some problems with their new home and needed money to fix the problems and make the place livable again. They have started an online campaign to raise money.
Based on the amount donated, you would get a “gift” of your choice (her husband is a craftsman and made the items). I donated a larger amount than I originally intended because I wanted a specific gift.
The money was raised and the couple thanked online.
It is now several weeks later and I still have not received my gift. There is no acknowledgment of nor follow-up conversations or messages regarding the delivery or making of the gifts. Not even “Hey, we’re so grateful, but very busy, and we’ll be right there.” This is unusual for a couple who share so much online.
Should I ask about my gift or just let this fade into the air knowing that I helped someone I care about? I feel their plea for help was decisively answered, and once they got what they wanted, they just moved on.
SOFT READER: While one’s heart naturally goes out to anyone in need, Miss Manners finds her compassion limited because of your friend’s selfish abuse of both English and etiquette. Friends do not collect money from their friends or charge for gifts. They do thank you personally for generosity.
Since this has been a commercial transaction, according to Miss Manners, she sees no objection to you asking when you will receive the merchandise. But as you have hitherto accepted the premise that this is so not a commercial transaction, she’ll understand if you preface the request with a sympathetic inquiry into the salvage operation and an acknowledgment that salvage operations can delay trips to the post office.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My generous relative sends gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, and other occasions. She is very well-intentioned, but the gifts she sends are poor quality food, stale and/or mushy.
I’ve told her I don’t need gifts, but she says she wants to acknowledge important occasions. I feel guilty that I always throw the food away because it is always inedible.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I don’t want her to waste money and I don’t want to throw her gifts in the trash.
SOFT READER: You rightly acknowledge a general prohibition against criticizing gifts, but there is a small exception for the situation you describe. Good-intentioned givers expect you to receive what they intended to send — not to mention what they paid for.
Miss Manners therefore recommends telling your relative if the food arrives in such a condition that the seller would have to replace it. This is done with an apology for the effort, because your family member no longer wants to use this trader.
But be forewarned that there are limits to this exception: if your relative sends pears, for example, you may speak out if you receive spoiled pears, kumquats, or no fruit at all – but not if you simply dislike pears, or they’re out of stock Your diet.
Send your questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
