DEAR ABBY: I am a first generation Mexican American married into a white mixed family.
My husband, my stepdaughter ‘Lisa’ and her mother and stepfather form a beautiful unity. I do not have children.
Although my family was initially confused about my interracial marriage, they went along with the program — so much so that we invited Lisa to participate in a coming-of-age ritual called the quinceañera. We were excited to update and adapt it as much as possible to include all parents, grandparents and other family members.
Suddenly, when Lisa was 14—a year before quinceañera, when scheduling was supposed to go up, not down—my extended family was hit with radio silence. Despite our efforts to encourage, coach and generate enthusiasm, we got the impression that Lisa had grown cold feet and was reconsidering the event.
We honored her wishes and planned to find other ways to make her feel special.
Two weeks before her 15th birthday, Lisa sent me an invite to her quinceañera! Abby, words cannot express how heartbroken I feel.
I had to teach her about the cultural significance of what she was getting into.
I was there anyway, made sure to shower her with praise and put on a good face. But besides being devastated, I was also deeply offended. Of course, because no one bothered to check in, many features of the rite were mishandled.
I’ve kept my mouth shut for Lisa’s sake because I’m afraid it could cause a rift with her mother. What I don’t want is for Lisa to think my feelings have anything to do with something she did. Is continued silence for the sake of peace better?
MADRE DE LA QUINCEANERA
DEAR MADRE: Your feelings of hurt and frustration are understandable. But Lisa chose to celebrate her birthday the way she and her mother wanted – and that was her prerogative.
Instead of giving the girl an authentic quinceañera and understanding the significance of that milestone, it appears that her mother and stepfather have opted for “light quinceañera” instead. Don’t argue about this. Continue.
But from now on, keep sharing with Lisa everything you have to offer – your wisdom, your experience and your cultural heritage.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a registered partnership for over 30 years. I’ve suggested couples counseling for the past 10 of them, but my partner never followed through.
I am willing to give all my possessions to her so that I don’t have to worry about her future financial needs, but I don’t know how to leave her without getting into an ugly war that will make me feel guilty. Please advise.
WALKING ON EGGSELLS
DEAR HIKER: Since this domestic partnership is no longer working, I do have a few suggestions. The first is to talk to a licensed mental health professional about the guilt you’re feeling. Do this before you decide to “give the store away.”
My other suggestion is to consult an attorney about what kind of settlement would be fair for both of you before signing any assets.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact DearAbby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
